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Always A Secret

Updated: Jan 15, 2021

That moment you look around and realize you are the secret, you are the number two, you are the moon not the sun.

Is it really that much? Is it really that much to ask for? Is it really that much to ask for a love of my own?

It is not that much to ask for a love that puts you as sole priority. Yes, I have had those moments where I sit and watch all, and I mean ALL, the sappy romance movies. You become apart of the drama, and your heart cries out for that kind of love.

It has to exist right? It has to because someone wrote about it?

However, I think I am so conditioned to think that this is what everyone experiences. That all of us get all the devotion...

All the romance...

All the peak moments in relationships...

I am so conditioned to think that this is what I want, but deep down I am just tired of being number two. There has to be one, soul person that thinks I might be worth a try at number one right!?

I am that friend that listens.

I am that friend that helps.

I am that counselor.

I am that date in a pinch.

I am that female that is just the sister, the friend, the mother...the secret number two.

Now, a shout out to all my sisters that know this feeling. You sit at lunch tables and talk fashion and makeup and breakup stories with your gal pals. Then someone makes that statement like why is she mad I am in a relationship because I am better looking than her, right!?

There in lies the crux of the whole problem.

Ladies, there are those of us that...

Are... Just...

Number twos...

And honestly, I really don't know why because if it is all for the collagen then help us all for humanity's sake. Relationship needs to have soul. And maybe that is my problem as I sit around with so many that are "taken" and I am "castoff". Maybe I have been looking at the situation wrong.

I have always seen myself as...

Second best...

Pinch hitter...

The she-will-do-I-guess girl that at the end of the day goes home to her own house, her own bed, and her own dreams. Her...



My own sanctuary to burn the midnight oil that is relying on no one other than my soul's Creator and my soul-healing, hands lifted, moments.

What if we looked at this completely differently?

What if I turned the tables to where up is down?

I am desperately trying to make sense of something that quite frankly, makes no sense itself! Really number two? Or am I a number one that just refuses to settle for less than what my soul deeply craves?

I start down trails, and there have been those that pull me out of my darkness to show me with their supposed "soul-depth" that they "see" me.

But, do you really see me or just an option to make yourself feel better about yourself?

Soul is what I crave most ardently.

True building your own kingdom soul.

Soul is the only thing that if I lost sight tomorrow, would be seen in the darkness.

When all else fades, I want there to be a soul that cries out to my soul truthfully, passionately, and longingly.

Should there be romance? YES! Should there be passion? YES!

Should there be attraction? YES!

But when the lunchtime table talk games of, "I look better than her, I dress better than her, and I am not as dramatic as her"...all along as you are pitting yourself in a judgement game so in a way you are the game maker of "the drama," fade away you are left with a soul that is stripped bare to its shallow roots that portrays nothing.

I do NOT want that to be me.

I refuse to be that soul.

I crave deep.

I crave depth that scares most humanity.

Because in the deep is where your soul can shine.

I want to be someone's number one, yes.

But will I compete daily with their throne built in their mind of how great they are? Emphatically NO!

Soul breathe life out, as to leave each person you touch differently to know what loving humanity is meant to be. Soul breathe life out, as to live as a number one waiting for the other soul desperately searching for their number one. Soul breathe life in, as to understand what you crave. Soul breathe life in, as to know when you are in love with an "idea of a soul" and who that "soul turns out to actually be."

I tired...of...being...number...two...

Most people just see me as an accessory that can help, and not as someone they want to be aligned with in their lives.

Does that make me a number two? NO!

I need to start to see myself as one that is honestly stair-stepping to find the other soul that beats and races and chasing an infinity of amazing soul moments like mine own.

Recently, I came to the realization that in a world of I guess that will dos, I need to step off the cliff of the I only want my first choice because I myself am settling for second all too often. This mentality has made me think myself a number two when all along I have been settling to be entrenched with number twos.

Number ones need courage to be alone when necessary.

Number ones are ready to risk all just in case they fall.

Number ones are the ones showing passion with for another soul without having a backup plan.

Soul I hear you.

Soul like mine, I feel you.

I just can't see you.

One that I thought was a soul like my own, in actuality was my wake up call.

I love that souls can soothe each other, heal each other, and build up each other at times on your way to the soul that beats like your own.

Why do I feel like a number two? Because I have tried to find a soul that treats me like a number one; however, it was never another soul I was ardently searching for. I needed to look within, close my eyes, and realize I needed to feel my edges first to truly love my soul for all the beautiful mess that she is and can be!

I am tired of being the secret. I am tired of helping all those souls all the time, and there is no help for a soul that craves connection more so than collagen.

Wherever you are soul...I am here trying to understand just as much as you are that I am a number one somewhere in humanity's fabric.

Does that mean a relationship? Maybe.

Does that mean heartbreak? Maybe.

Does that mean a soul crushed? NO!

All it means is that I am desperately running at my infinity trying to make sense of the card that was handed to me when I gasped my first breaths of my mortality. Until I make peace with my own card, there will not be a match waiting.

The hard reality for me is if it takes a lifetime to understand my immortality, am I at peace with the fact that my soul's match and I will not meet this side of eternity?

Maybe my soulmate is my infinity crying back to itself?

In those dark, quiet I enough within my own soul space?

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