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My Heart is there, She is Just Hidden

Updated: Jan 15, 2021

When your heart has been shattered and cut out so many times you are not sure where you have even put her until

She's in there. I can feel her again.

I thought I lost her.

I thought she had run away one last time.

All it took was one...person...a cutting tongue of truth...

A person that totally caught me off guard.

A person I never saw coming on the path.

A person that is so plain and...just...right...there...

Out of nowhere...

Literally under my nose for years and was just...there...

In the last week I have had a huge reality check. I have always been the person delivering punches, and then helping a person back up to give them a wake up call or to walk away and leave them lay.

This past week I received the punch instead of giving one out, and I reeled. Hit the ground hard. And then...I brushed myself off, stood up, and went well hell that hurt.

I will say this though, the source that gave me the wake up call was unexpected, but totally a breath of fresh air. Most woman cannot talk sense to me because the drama and the emotion that they add to it only accelerates mine to a limit of full blown lunacy.

My father raised me in a world to handle yourself and never run for help, so it only seems fitting that a man knocked me down since that is the world I am most familiar communicating in. Does that mean I understand it...most certainly NOT; not all of it, but I communicate better and listen better on that level.

And this time, this one single, solitary time...BOOM!

The punch leveled me to the dirt.

I hit hard and at first I totally wanted to jump up on the fight.

Then, the warning like...really woman you wanna get leveled again?

And so I sat.

I reeled.

I thought.

I apologized.

I asked for help.

I asked for forgiveness.

I asked for that person not to run.

I asked for that person to please stay.

I asked...

I questioned...

I looked inside...

I said heart, there you are!

And I know the source is right.

And I know the source is raw truth.

How do I know? How do I feel?

I know because it drove me to the only place I SHOULD have been all along...the soul's food. The soul's life source. The water of infinity. I for the first time feel like in all my bull-head, fire-scorching self, I can feel the burn myself. I am tasting me again for the first time. And it is hot, passionate, and hard to handle.

And I doubt my wake up call deliverer will read this, but...don't give up on me.

We all are works in progress.

We all fall.

We all progress backwards at times.

We all can cause pain.

We all can cause drama.


It is how you learn at your crossroads to make a definitive step to not step back across a certain line again.

I am here.

I am learning.

I stood up this time, but not on the fight.

The crown is crooked, but it is not broken...yet!

The heart is hurting, but it is not dead...yet!

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