Updated: Jan 14, 2021
It is so hard to be that person that feels and journals and thinks of all these amazing thoughts of how someone should be, and when it is time to test it my fear overrides my knowledge...always.
To be completely honest I am fearful.
I fear change.
I fear hate.
I fear mockery.
I fear failure.
I fear feeling.
I fear, fear itself actually.
There is a level of self-protection we all administer to our courageous thoughts. We try to be that strong person that will stand proudly, but in the end we usually yield. Every man (and woman) has a price of self-preservation usually.
It is the rare few that I envy for their sacrificial love to this world and humanity that defies their own survival whether physically or soulfully.
As for me, I have found my limit comes when it comes to matters of me openly loving and not caring if it is returned. I can say it does not matter, but honestly, it is easier to ice things at certain points than feel them.
I have said before that I want to feel it all.
It has been said I want to live life to the fullest, but as I stand on this ledge of truly knowing what it would feel like to free fall I find my heart hesitating even more so than my feet.
The discovery of how I fear to love fully is harsh fire that I am continually choking on. I have heard and said that four letter word, LOVE, so much that do I really want to say it again until I actually, truly know what it feels like to be crushed by it? Isn't that absolute insanity...wishing to be crushed by something!?
In really digging deep and trying to understand the hard things in life; do I honestly fear actually reckless abandoned love to the point of no return, and that it could honestly be staring me in the face unconditionally for the first time?
Do I truly believe it even exists?
Love in its entirety has to exist right? It has to be present this side of heaven right?
There is no denying it because to deny it denies my Creator right?
Do I think it is for everyone? No.
Do I think everyone tries to find it? Yes.
But the rare few ever feel it to its depths sadly.
Now, is that love in and of itself's fault?
Or is it humanity's fault for not accessing what is deep within?
My fear is gripping at me so tightly it hurts...
Deep within I can feel the jump coming.
Deep within I can feel the decision coming.
But do I dare...
But do I dare to close my eyes...
But do I dare to close my eyes and let go fully to love and allow it to make the decision for me.
Maybe loss of total control over every part of my being is what I truly fear because this side of heaven I have yet to find someone I can trust fully.
Or have I?