In a veil of a darkened soul I hid for so long.
Shame was around every corner keeping me in my wall-less, bar-less prison I had created for myself.
Truth sears into your soul.
And sometimes, just sometimes I do not want to feel the pain.
Usually I am a person that does not shy away from pain. I will drink in a situation to its full extent and even take others pain in if I can, and swallow it for them. I will sit in any hole, go through any battle; look at death’s soul in the face for them, and scream back into the storm that I am a storm to be reckoned with.
However, this, this was different for me.
My humanness with all my nothingness needed to be dealt with. I needed to purge my soul clean of its first sin…doubt. Doubt that I am not good enough… Right enough… Fair enough… Perfect enough… Because I am NOT!
I needed a fire to be lit inside to take all my rags of nothingness from the mess I had made being my own master at a time in my life that I should have NEVER taken the wheel, and ignite my midnight oil with those rages, creating an ash pile of my human- filled, darkened soul so that a sufficient sacrifice of repentance would be given from my open hands.
The wound that kept festering, needed desperately to be cut open, seared clean with a sharp, hot knife in order to singe the soul’s flesh; infection needing to be killed was screaming out from the depths of its agony inside its cage. A cage with no restraint other then my own shear will-power to NOT be wrong, to NOT be “un-righteous”, to NOT be my family’s shame…in essence my own soul was holding itself captive screaming into the storm of my life’s tragedy, created and woven by me…
I WILL NOT YIELD!
The full realization I finally came to when I decided to finally allow my soul to hemorrhage, bleeding out all over my life to purge the infestation of what was rotting me from the inside out brought me to the profound truth; my enemies do not only lie in wait for me, but sometimes the enemy within me allows others to overthrow my soul.
That festering inside eats away slowly at first. The wound is small, and you think it is nothing. All my nothings turned to somethings over the years. Those somethings turned into a raging fire of pain. Sometimes pain cannot be swallow, and you have to let it pour out of you. Take the knife of truth and cut clean the soul’s flesh to the point of no return.
Your yesterdays DO NOT have to be your tomorrows. Your tomorrows DO NOT have to be dictated by what you are today.
Let the midnight oil burn as you lift your hands in praise. Let your knees feel the ash of your tomorrows searing through a wound that you want healed. Let all these nothings that have become somethings burn away.
Truth will heal no matter who sees, says, or hears anything.