Updated: Jan 15, 2021
When your soul is crying out from its cage, but there seems to be no open door.
Red makes a statement.
Red is bold. Red is vibrant. Red is hot like a soul on fire.
Red is singularly the best color ever to grab attention and say look, I am here, I am bold, I am living, and I am ready to stand.
Red fills bodies with life.
Red can be donated. Red can be taken. Red can be spilled out.
Red is singularly the only source of life that can regenerate, but can be taken and a body left silent of its soul.
Red is singularly the only item that a soul or a life can be purchased with.
I know bottom. I know hurt.
I know inner scars you cannot see. I know the wolves of death hunting imminently for my soul. I know alone. However, I have never known lonely. My heart breaks for those that do not have the red of the Lamb that pours over their hearts. My soul screams into the hurricane of life why me and not them?
Why am I spared? Why am I alive?
Why is my soul intact? Why me and not them?
I know crushed. I know rejection. I know what the knives of emotional torture feel like as I, myself, have to pull them out one by one. I know suffocating darkness. However, I have not tasted death physically or spiritually.
My soul cries for those that never had the hope of redemption and resurrection from the darkest night. My heart bleeds for those into the chasms of life.
Why me and not them?
I have tasted torture. I have tasted humanity's ugliness. I have tasted humiliation. I have tasted life's disappointments. I have tasted all of it, but death.
Yet every evening I lower myself in my sanctuary, hands held high, soul surrendered crying out why me and not them?
But if it must be me Creator....thank you....mercy, and love, and acceptance; for this total tattered rag is unworthy of it, but.....thank you.....
Some sisters get out of this world's horribly ugly, treacherous cage. Some sisters don't. It is as simple, as merciful, as horrific, as unforgiving as that single, slowly breathed thought.
Some sisters get out, some don't.
Some taste death of soul and life. Some taste humanity's injustices in their entirety.
Some have been silenced.
Some have been lost.
But all will be remembered. My burden is a heavy one. To have tasted despair, and yet rejoiced in deliverance. It is hard to carry remembrance when some did not taste mercy. But that is the cruel double-edged sword that we all meet on one side or the other.
You are not out running it.
It is imminent to your mortality. Looming behind you like wolves hunting mercilessly. Preying on every one of your moments around every corner.
We all meet it unexpectedly. We all see it differently. Some slowly, some peacefully, some unmercifully meet it.
My heart and soul tearing me from the inside out screaming why me and not them?
Where is justice? Where is mercy? Where is retribution? Where is deliverance?
Where are all those moments of peace?
Why me and not them?
My heart aches and cries and bleeds out tonight on sacred ground in a sanctuary of thankfulness and mortifying realities. The alter is ladened, and smells so rich of death in my immortal nostrils....I cry.
I cry for those left behind. I cry for those who meet death horrifically. I cry for all the answers we will not know on this side of our immortality.
I cry for a world that is dark and growing darker.
I have seen the dark. I have heard past demons as they breathe mercilessly down your back. I have felt humanity's cruelty poured out on innocence.
I have sensed death. I have tasted depravity.
But, it was me and not them. It was me left to live. It was me left to breathe. It was me left to rebuild. It was me left to pour out all of me on all of their ashes in order to offer up a holy sacrifice every evening of thanks, of love, of remembrance, of justice seeking.
Why me, and not them? Simple.
Warrior you are not finished yet. Warrior as they fall to your left, and to your right, keep pushing forward. Warrior some come, and some go, it is not your choice. Warrior hold fast. Warrior breathe each night knowing it is you, and not them still breathing.
Warrior some live, some die, but all are justified as long as there is one piercing light, and one repentant heart.
So tonight in my sanctuary as I remember atrocities, my unforgettable demons, I remember all of those that have fallen. They are not forgotten, lost mortally maybe but forgotten...never!
Justification can only come after strong sacrifice. Sacrifice can only come through injustice. Injustice can only happen if there is light.
Where there is light.... Surely darkness is coming...
But, tonight knees raw and heart bleeding out, I lift my hands and cry out because that's why I am left.
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