Heal slowly, and remember all the steps. Souls need time, but the mind needs an infinity to heal.
I am finding that my mind is the one that needs to be cleansed. My soul was cleansed in a rush of merciful fire that burned it all into ash to be remolded again with the Creators clay.
Dust I am, and dust I return to so many times in order that fresh water can create new clay and a new creation in me. My soul's cry can be answered so easily since I am not the creator or sustainer of my soul. However, my mind that is a cage no matter how you slice it.
You can never escape yourself. It is important to pour into your self the love, respect, and most importantly mercy it needs for it to become fully open to life.
You are not PERFECT.
You are not MEANT to be. You are not the SAVIOR.
Your are not the FIXER of all.
You are not your own JAIL-KEEPER.
A mind can become a prison of your own making. When it is time to recreate and let go and fly you grasp the cage so tightly because you are unsure that you deserve more than cold, hard emptiness.
I have been there. At that point where I am like look at these rags, words, cuts, and bruises of life. Look at these mistakes that are carved into me. If I were to be tattooed with my mistakes and misfortunes there would be a horrific scene playing out on my skin dancing for the world to see.
I have said many times I was not created to just live life, I want to FEEL it. Well you will receive what you ask for most ardently from the depths of your soul.
Now I am trying to learn how to live a life that I have felt with the most mercy and love towards humanity. A humanity that at times has been so merciless to me does not deserve mercilessness from me.
All I hear screaming from the chasm within is "Ye who is guiltless cast the first stone."
....mercilessness is yours if you are guiltless....
And as I hear the soft gentle words, the hand appears and writes on the wall of my soul that I am here, I see you, I love you, I will wash you, I will redeem you, I will be with you until the end of the age.
My soul spills over with undeniable peace, but my mind, my mind races. The cage is opened and blessings abound, but still a cage, gilded. It is open for me to allow myself to step into the light because no matter the scars You are there with me. My mind however is captured by its humanness to think that I am worthless, and not worthy of a life that is meant to be felt again.
My soul is complete and thriving again. My mind? Total honesty, I am still hesitant to live a life that is full for me to be gloriously free in order to teach myself, my son, and others what it means to jump and prove that the net will appear.
Maybe that is it.
The net is waiting, and it is blasphemy to think that the net is not there when my soul already knows that it is.