In a world full of conditions, I am looking for that single soul that loves unjudgementally such as my own.
I know now why my heart runs and hides. Why she is so scared to show herself so openly in a world full of conditions...because she thinks, feels, and loves unconditionally.
Does she love in a perfect, unconditional way...NO!
However, let me explain.
Have I been known by humanity to just accept people no questions?
Have I been known by humanity to help people no matter the stories?
Have I been so open in relationships to hear your story that I will not judge you for those stories, rather I judge you for the steps you take after darkening my door?
I am that human that knows we all have those dark corners you don't want the new people to see. I have those things too. Or do I? I am very open about who I am, and how I am the last person you should call friend or lover because of my misgivings.
My fire and ice within will burn and then freeze an entire emotion out of someone in no time at all if unleashed. I will stand in that fire as I light it too, adding more so to the understanding you had no idea how unconditional I was...until...now...
You are wrong to think that every time I unleash I do not burn a bit of me too.
You are wrong to think that when I apply conditions after being unconditional it does not hurt me.
You are wrong to think that every time I implode a relationship because a drag out is more painful, that I have just burnt a bridge that is no longer an option and that it does not freeze a bit of my soul too.
People have coined me many things. Some good. Some not so good. But one that sticks, and one that cuts me even sometimes is the Iron Maiden. She is hard, cold, unyielding, and will crush you in the end is what it permeates the air with every time it is implied or spoken to me.
Have I done these things? Yes.
Did I do them in the world's eyes as unwarranted? Sometimes.
Or rather because of YOUR choices in touching my soul that was so open to you, do you honestly think I crushed you?! Or did your own conscience crush you when you tried to shatter me in a petty attempt to seek gratification for your own hurts bleeding all over me? Did you crush yourself needlessly in all of the understanding in just how open I was to love all of your brokenness?
Either way, the name has stuck.
Here we are so many bridges burnt that my road is narrow and it is rocky and it is hard as stone. The same stone that I am molded of that the Maker is desperately trying to refine through it all.
Here we are where I am so comfortable in the unyielding skin I wonder if the unconditional love has become a warrant to look at people and think...
"Your story is nothing to what I have seen, heard, and felt." And to pull you in to crush you needlessly.
Fast-forward... Unconditional is a calling card for someone to try and break it with their stories of conditions.
Let me be frank, I can love you, accept you, befriend you, and help you WITHOUT your conditions becoming my own. Would I be standing here watching your own self-destruction if I was so shallow a person!?
It is almost like a challenge to burn me. To ice me. It is not, I promise you. You are only lighting a fire on yourself and because suffering is something I hate to watch; I will light the fire on our bridge connection in order to try and teach you one, last, hard, hot and ice cold lesson...to grow up.
Please grow up and allow the heart to grow out!
Please stop trying to create a persona of me that you have no fathomable thought on how to comprehend.
Please stop allowing your conditions to cage you in your own conditional self-love.
Your Maker made you for so much more.
Do NOT insult him with your hate and ignorance.
Now, do I not "love" myself sometimes? Yes.
Do I complain? Emphatically yes!
However, your entire soul and how you treat those around you and how you prioritize will scream into the chasms of infinity if you have a misstep some days or if you truly are so hard/brittle yourself, you have become so fragile that when you hit refined stone YOU shatter instead of sharpening.
Word to the wise...
Foundations are meant to be hard.
Pillars that hold things up are meant to be immoveable.
Please...I beg of you humanity...stop...pulling...the pillar.
Stop pulling the pillar that wants to see you run and shine.
Stop beating on the pillar that wants to be there to see you succeed.
Heartless, I call myself...no.
Heartful, I just protect her with a ferocity that even the good Lord himself is trying to teach me to stop doing.
You can call me her. I will be her. I will be the one that when all run I am there. I will be the one that when all want to beat on you I will stand there and take it with you.
But remember never become the jeering crowd you ran from to find me, to me.
Because when she closes the fire is hot and the bridge burns and she's NOT coming back. Because just as much as the fire burns you, I have become the fire and she, she is refining me and pushing me down that narrow path that you were not strong enough to forge for yourself.