Sometimes in life we just stop. We just die in our tracks. We just break. But...
Glorious, amazing, refreshing, all-powerful life.
Because life never stops.
Does it look different sometimes? Does it hurt to get to that next life lesson? Does it make you feel trampled, but not defeated? Does life hurt when it returns?
I can tell you this, me trying to come back to life after being dead so long; it hurts. Excruciating growing pains are taking place.
No one tears me apart better than myself.
I am good at gruesomely gutting myself.
I am good at being a wolf that devours my own flesh.
I am good at taking my heart out, boxing it up, and just operating emotionally devoid of life.
When it is time to try coming to life again.
The pain is as excruciating as it was for me to kill the life to begin with.
I am just better at killing rather than restoring sadly.
It is easier for me to swing a blade than it is to run a needle and thread.
It is easier to let it go than trying to salvage.
Have you ever choked on your own heart so much trying to regenerate life that you give up, put it back in the box because your appetite for life is smaller than your insatiable want to return to death?
I have been there.
I have done that.
It is a continual battle daily for me to rise.
For me to finish. For me to love.
For me to feel.
For me to care. For me to push through life's hurts. For me to not feel inadequate.
For me to feel beautiful in my own way. For me to accept myself, let alone let the world accept me.
For me to just...live and let the world in.
Life is coming, and the waters keep beating at the shores of my rock-solid, hardened heart. I know at some point there will come a time I cannot pull my heart out and remove it. It will be put back into my body better than it was, better than it is. It will be better than ever before, but getting to that point that's where the battle lies with my mortal flesh and my infinite spirit.
I might not feel that total peace, or life for that matter, until I reach the other side of my infinity.
And.... That's just....
What can I say? It is what it is. It will not get better or worse. It is the hand I was destined for in this mortality of mine.
How I approach my life and death cycles is purely up to me. How I respond and what I learn is solely up to me.
Two very powerful words purely and solely.
Did I choose who I am and why I am? NO! But, do I choose how I accept my destiny? Yes!
I am not one to believe in fate. Destiny is what drives me...and that is all. Pure, total, inherent destiny.
Am I hard-headed and want to stay dead....YES! Should I stay dead for the sake of all I have to offer even if I am only screaming back at my own infinity...NO!
I feel you.
I feel you screaming. I feel you screaming deeply.
I feel you screaming deeply to rattle.
Rattle this cage.
Rattle this cage I so desperately cling to.
Rattle this cage that contains dry bones from the desert valley floor.