When the heart feels at home after years of wandering in a desert of emotion...
Time away gave me perspective.
Time out of my normal schedule gave me clarity.
Time where it was not about having to give until my fingers and soul bled out.
Time gave me a new angle to see life and relationships for what they truly are, and can be.
In stepping into the light of reality I have found that there has been much healing. There has been a time of mourning that is now being put to rest and allowing my past demons to rest. It is truly a moment where the dead will now take care of the dead so I can live.
My last battle will truly be with myself.
I doubt much.
I work much.
I critique myself much.
For years I have been competing with myself, no one else. My soul has always been at war with perfection. I cannot really tell you where this was birthed from. I have been loved by my family, but since a young age I have put unreachable standards on myself which in turn created the perfect storm for an epic failure in my mid-20s.
However, I am a firm believer in anything worth doing is worth doing well. And honestly, if you are going to fail, fail big and be done with it! This is exactly the realization that I came to grips with in late 2017. An epic failure that had been on the horizon since its conception and creation finally had run aground and was ready to die.
Now, in 2021, sitting on a beach in Cancun, for the first time in mid-March watching someone who is just who he is, gave me complete peace. My first mistake was allowing someone for years to define who I should be, instead of finding someone who allows me to be who I am in spite of me.
Read that again...
I needed to find someone who allows me to be me, in spite of me; I did not need to appease someone who tried to define me for what they thought I should be.
Have I found that person? Yes.
Do I feel at peace whether he agrees with me always or not? Yes.
Am I safe?
Can my soul breathe again?
Most emphatically YES!!
Puzzles are tricky if we view a relationship like a puzzle. There is never making sense of the puzzle until all the pieces fall into place. Puzzles are not very straightforward. But when puzzles come together, and you arrive at that final piece. You come to a realization of...wow...there you are big picture!
That is what my life has felt like up to this point. A big, jumbled mess of relationships and people-pleasing, and trying to deliver what I was never built to deliver: perfection.
That one missing...
That one missing piece...
And I reach into my memory of adolescent movies watched, and hear my soul saying to itself..."Oh, there you are Peter!"
I never expected the last piece to look quite like it does right now.
What an amazing, wonderful surprise it has been.
Relationships are forced so much anymore on us by everyone else's expectations. Why do they have to be conventional?
Why do they have to follow a timeline?
Why is there even a cookie-cutter out there for this? Why do people think they get a say in who you are or what fits you?
My biggest problem was giving power to the wrong people and energy to define me. Giving too much power to those that think they know me. Those closest to me really didn't know me at all.
All it took was a pair of eyes and an honest soul to access what I myself even haven't tapped yet within my own infinite soul...acceptance and peace!
There you are...
This side of eternity...home...there you are!