Sometimes you need to just be with you. No one else. Just you and your thoughts in your space. For me it took years.
What do you discover?
You crave your own space more than you know, even if you think you don't at the time.
Quiet is deafening at times.
Your soul will thank you for the rest.
Your health will become a much needed focus and re-centering will occur.
That kitchen that was always there will be filled with love again through laughter and creation.
Reading becomes solace.
Dreams become reality.
Sleep is a must.
A to do list is not necessary.
You write your soul...a lot...you learn to love yourself again.
And most importantly...
You become YOU again!
When you live with others, or promise a life with another, you find out quickly there are things that need to give and yield, but you also find out if that other person is a life-giver or a life-taker.
When darkness closes in on your soul what do you do?
Do you quit? Do you stop?
Do you yield and become it?
Do you survive? Do you know there is light somewhere? Do you hold out for salvation?
My soul for so many years had grown weary of carrying a sword alone. But I will say this, you are either a warrior or you are a capitulator. That is what I learned all those years on a stark, cold battle ground. Each morning I would rise knowing there was another day to see, and another day I had to fight.
In Ephesians, the author Paul, writes about the armor and why it is so important. I could feel the weight of it each morning. It was hard sometimes to put it on. And trust me, there were days I fought without most of it; and that, that was when the searing cuts would come.
There are scars that will not ever fade.
There are wounds that will not heal.
That is life.
And life is just what it is...life.
Then...when the warrior in me had enough of fighting for a cause that was eating away at its own ranks...deafening silence fell when the final blow was delivered.
Tomb dark, ear-piercing silence.
The reinforcements weren't coming no matter how much I cried out for them.
That is when I realized that a commanding voice was all that would move the one warrior that actually took orders and obeyed them...me.
My soul's voice just have to be its own commander and soldier all in one.
No one is coming.
You are alone.
You have to find the out.
You have to either kill or be killed.
A moment of reckoning that cuts deep, and spills soul blood out uncontrollably.
Then...the warrior finds solace in an unexpected refuge. A time of healing and hiding. A time to hide away from the world so that you, alone can heal yourself.
All those moments of alone.
All those moments of listening to your heart beat on a battered cage.
All those moments of rocking in corners.
All those moments of pacing floors.
All those moments to soothe, and to heal, and to listen to soul steps.
It was worth it all.
Every every word.
Every dark night.
Every moment that I spent in darkness.
It all lead me to the reality that self-solace with my soul's maker is truly the only place you find acceptance. There will always be a comment from EVERYONE. No one is really safe to release it all to...ever.
I have found this a hard reality, but a comforting notion to me is that I had years of solace. Those moments come and go throughout our life.
The most important piece of advice I can give is that you cannot stay in solace forever. You have to reach and sit and dig and battle again for those that have no idea where to find that self-solace. At least that is a life of a soul warrior most days.
Yes I was alone, but I am not now.
Yes I needed me time, but not now.
It is time to reach and help and strive and allow the world to cut at me again.
I was born to a certain obligation; with that comes certain responsibilities and consequences.
The key...NEVER let the consequences consume you so much that you become what you battle.