When the Ice Closes
Just because a person can freeze out emotion and embrace their inner "Narnia Ice Queen", does not mean that the ice does not bite at their heart of stone.
Ice is not immediate. Ice is slow moving.
It creeps in until every small particle of warmth is frozen out. Shut out. Iced out literally. Until what was once mobile becomes hard and immobile.
Ice stops time in a sense, and slows the object of mobility to a stand still.
And the colder it gets, the more cracks and pain inflicted on the one that has called for the freezing. The horrifying thing is the reason there are cracks and damages that cut to the quick is because something comes along to start warming that heart to possibly beating again. Living again. Feeling again.
When the freeze comes with what has dared to feel again, it is more harsh than before. Because how dare that heart hope, and not be stone.
Life's circumstances have a way of thawing a frozen heart than in a matter of moments something that cuts too deep causes the heart to freeze to not feel that again. But, each time there is a thaw, the pain is so excruciating that a freeze happens again out of protection and is deeper then before working to the inner core.
You thought wrong.
You felt wrong.
You WERE wrong.
Seriously, did you really reach out in hopes that there was a Sam to help you Frodo, that there was a Peeta to stand in the fire with you Katniss? Did you honestly think you foolish, feeling, giving heart that an armor bearer on this side of your infinity had been delivered to you?
Ahhhhh.....the freezing. There it is; the moment of truth.
How a simple, loving heart becomes stone. Froze in time where the deepest cut DEFEATED the feeling heart in that particular, infinite moment.
Until too much, is too much, that even feeling excruciating pain becomes numbing.
The heart of an Ice Queen is born.
Not to say that there is no feeling through the ice; however, there is a regulated control of mind over the heart. You logically, unconsciously shut off feeling or swallow it back.
Have you ever swallowed pain? Not just yours, but others? Drinking in all of humanity's darkness to the point that you drown in total oblivion? Your soul that once was seeking to help, is now seeking to not feel. Not to say that you do not not smile. Not to say that you do not help. Not to say that you do not laugh.
Your amazingly orchestrated masquerade has become your ice. It is what keeps those always one step away from what you treasure most.
...bloody, feeling, passionate soul...
They have trampled it enough it resonates from within precious one, and you will be protected in this grand, masterful design.
Your fortress and web is woven into the kaleidoscope of cold, frozen, stopped, stone heart walls...the wheel of time has stopped for feeling.
The mistress of deception is now your crown. The body can go through the motions of love and acceptance. The body can walk into a room and command its presences as if there was a prick, but not a reckoning that made a cold, dead wasteland to your feeling, soulful heart. You smile, you bow, you move, your touch is calm and controlled.....
Until there is a one moment...
One word.... One action....
That the hammers and axes of life relentlessly attack the ice, and the feeling becomes suffocating. You are flooded. Your inside is screaming, but your outside is frozen.
And then night comes. Alone with your thoughts, crushing waves and feeling is encroaching the safest refuge that you have built for yourself. You sit in the furthest corner from the entrance, the lowest corner, back to the wall, trying to thwart off the assault of feeling.
You rock. You sit. You rock. You sit. You regulate, and you shatter in the darkness. Because under all the ice, water still moves.
Tears. Screaming. Laughter. Anger. Nothingness.....you simply feel it all at once with one blow in your inner most, sacred sanctuary.
When light comes at dawn, you are put back together. The pieces are frozen in place, and Ice Queen you rise to face another day regulating your infinity in the only protection mode you know.
Want brutal honesty? Want total gut-wrenching truth? I am here, and I have not thawed from my "eternal" winter....
I know a life-shattering moment will come....maybe. Maybe not. I am not my Creator. So therefore, I am not sure what road I have been given, but what I have seen, it is not a road for those that think life is of your own making.
My life, my reckoning, my freezing, is about making me not me making it.
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