When You are the Kamikaze
That moment when you take over the controls in your life only to crash and burn.
That imminent moment when you see it all.
All of it flashing so quickly and rushing past you.
The whistling of a life out of control screaming louder.
Your moment of impact is upon you and all you can do is....breathe one last time in you present moment. Life is changing, whether you like it or not. And it is changing right now. No holding back. The fire blazes, and consumes all the thatch in your life. The gem inside is about to be purified.
My infinity is something I race at ferociously most days.
Wolves of the past haunt me.
And I find that...
I have been thrown to the wolves before
And just like every other time...
I come back leading the pack.
Only to find myself ferociously ripping at my infinity in a frenzied craze that by the time I have slowed down the fire is raging, and I feel the burn of purification to start anew from all the thatch walls I have built around my soul assuming that I could fortify my life to the point where I am master.
I go full speed ahead so much in my life...
the list goes on and on
...and then I realize too late that I am reaching top speeds with no brake too late.
My frenzied pace is slowed by the inevitable crash and burn tactic.
"My mouth has run away with me again."
Such a simple statement that encompasses most of my approach to life.
My mouth, my attitude, my anger, my thoughts, my actions, my everything is running away with me.
I am looking at the wreckage crying out to the raging flames...
Do you ever see your evil hands? Do you ever check your evil mouth?
Do you ever sensor those evil thoughts stealing moments of infinity from your soul?
This is what I do every time I crash and burn.
I lay prostrate on the floor of my soul screaming at the top of my lungs after a hard fall. I start trying to pull wreckage together in its smoldering state, digging for that gem. That one kernel of truth to plant again on the newly purified ground after sleepless nights and lots of coffee that is.
The crash and burn does give me this small positive glimmer of future, it gives me my soul's cry to come to itself in communion again. The burning thatch is something that helps to purify. Just as each season pastures are burned to bring forth new life, so do runaway situations bring us to the Refiner's fire.
In everything, in all of it, in every single sliver the Creator can take a hopeless out-of-control soul that is derailing, and make it a fully hopeful kernel to start anew.
I think true, new beginnings only happen when all falls away and peace, hope, and love remain.
Peace at with what was, and what will be.
Hope like rain washing over a scorched soul.
Love and mercy for all that was wrong, will now be made right.
But the greatest of these is love.
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