What do you do when your little man is no longer really that little anymore and you just have to let go and pray that he forges his way without fear?
Last night was a night or hard to sleeps.
Last night was a night filled with questions.
Last night was a night of crossroads in a way for a little one becoming a man.
There are things in our lives we have to face whether we really want to or not. There are times where someone else's choices or your own define how you will face a situation. And for the life of me I wish I could change certain choices right now I have made.
I do not want to change them because I did not learn.
I do not want to change them out of regret I feel for me.
I do not want to change them because without them well...I am not me.
I want to change them for how they affect another's life path.
I want to change them to stop the hard choices for another.
I want to change them because I am learning one lesson I do not want to learn.
That lesson is the simple truth that sometimes your choices do not just affect your soul and heart and path, but they affect some little human's life; and they have to forge a tough road that they never asked to forge.
Last night was a night of questions...
Mama why do I have a stuffy nose? Mama why do I have to go to breakfast tomorrow?
Mama does Cody like me?
Mama why do I sleep alone in my room now? Mama why do I have this on my face? Mama can I have orange juice? Mama can I have a cheese stick?
Mama can I have medicine? Mama can I have a warm rag on my face?
Mama why do we live here in town?
Mama can I go to work with you Monday? Mama when can I watch my ipad? Mama can I get up again? Mama can I go to the bathroom? Mama...
Mama...you hear me right?....Mama?
And as I answered each question, honestly I think I felt every emotion. I felt the smile on my lips, the tear come to my eye, and the anger fire burn deep in my heart.
And actually, I really have no one to really blame other than myself at this point. I made choices, whether they were to spare others or not, those choices lead to someone else down the road not being spared hard choices.
ALL CHOICES...every...single...one...contain a tincture of blessings and curses.
Sometimes the blessings outweigh the curses, and sometimes...they don't.
So tonight as the oil burns very hot in my heart. I lift my questions.
I lift so many into the burning soul incense.
Why did I not just say no? Why did I just scream no?
Why did I ever think I could really change the course of things?
Why did I reach into blackness willingly thinking I was going to make it light?
Here we are little man.
Here we are on the brink of hard.
Here we are on forging futures fearlessly.
Here we are my little one growing into a man.
Here we are on the edge of choices that we will both make.
Here we are on the cliff ready to jump into new frontiers that might be hard.
I promise you, I am right here.
I promise you, I am not scared to jump.
I promise you, the jump might hurt and you might fall.
I promise you, the jump might give you flight and strength.
I promise you, no matter the outcome you live, you learn, and you grow.
I mean they wouldn't call it growing pains if life did not hurt. And if it does not hurt then I contend are you really growing?